Kris of Oneida, Wisconsin writes in about dealing with a narcissistic mother in law.
I met my Husband 20 years ago.I remember the first time I met her, my future mother in law.
She walked out into the driveway with her hands on her hips eyeballing me from head to toe.
While we were introduced, she took her hand and reached over and patted the top of my head. I head spiky hair at the time, (80’s). She then raised her eyebrows and continued to talk.
My husband and I married three years later.
The morning of the wedding, my mother in law she showed up at our home at 6:30am unannounced.
During the ceremony she stood in back and said remarks to my Sister like “could she smile ever”, “wow..she is a friendly one” “I wish my Son all the best, he needs it”
Our first Daughter was born two years later.
Alice (the narcissistic Mother in Law) ,had a never ending flow of criticism on how I parented our daughter.
Alice’s biggest complaint was that I was very selfish with my daughter, I wouldn’t share her with her.
Alice volunteered to baby sit while we attended a wedding.
We dropped our daughter off and she happily told us to have a great time, “you two need a night out alone”
Exactly one hour later Alice calls the reception hall and insists we come get our daughter because
“she is so tired and our Daughter needs to go”.
We arrive to pick our Daughter up, who is fast asleep in a play pen.
I just kept a polite distance from her on through the years.
I would hear from others about her vicious attacks against my character.
I would hear the outrageous lies she told many.
I ignored it, bottled it up inside.
The era of cell phones emerged, Alice developed a faded memory and she only called my Husbands cell from there on out.
I would make a appearance at Holidays, she was always cordial, only to hear about ugly insults and comments she made once out of ear shot.
The blaming began, I was the fault of everything that went wrong in life, no matter how ludacris it was of a connection.
Alice’s favorite statement “I feel so sorry for my Son, being married to that thing”
The farther I distanced myself from her, the more intrusive she became. The more boundaries she crossed.
January of this year, Alice’s constant attacks and meddling in our marriage took its toll on our marriage.
My Husband and I separated.
Alice was now all my Husbands problem.
It didn’t take long for my Husband to finally see how ill his Mother really was.
I got the frantic call one day from my Husband.
“I am so sorry, I had no idea how crazy ma is”
“what is wrong with her?”
“she wont stop smothering me, the constant calls, showing up at my work, her obsession with attacking you”
“the manipulation, the threats, the attacks against me, for not agreeing with her on how “awful you are”
My Husband and I then decided to go into therapy,to work this out, to find some sanity.
More on the Narcissistic Mother in Law
The day the bomb went off:
I was doing laundry, when I heard my Husband start screaming.
I turned the machine off and listened.
He was on the phone with his mother.
He was yelling, “Ma, for the 100th time, I am working on my marriage and my family. I love them.
“You do not need to know who our therapist is, and what is being said there”
“no ma,I am not moving in with you, once again I am working on my marriage with my WIFE!
“I EVER hear you talk about my Wife again like that, I have to remove you from our lives”
“you hang up on me ma,you vicious cruel woman!”
she hung up.
Two hours later a knock at the door.
Its the Sheriffs Dept. They have a complaint of animal cruelty.
I have had a passion of dog showing, breeding, this has been my heart and soul for years.
They want to see my home and my dogs, could they come in and look around?
They found no abuse, no filth, nothing.
But…I was over the cities ordinance on how many can be legally owned per household.
I had to remove 4 Chihuahuas or face serious fines and further enforcement.
The entire family in complete mourning, we loved our dogs and they had to go.
The following day, certified mail arrived.
Alice sent a envelope with pictures of each of our kids photos defaced.
A note was included. She told her Son she hated him, he is not her son, she demands respect, she is his mother, she has crossed us out of her phone book. Never call her again. Don’t come to her funeral, that ugly woman wants me gone, fine she has it, and she will pay!
She also stated she has wished for me to die, in fact she has prayed and asked God, to just remove me from this Earth”
My Husband and I have started a no contact with her, we can no longer have this kind of mental illness in our lives.
We are learning how to pick up the pieces of having such a toxic person in our lives.
There will be emotional scars, but we will move on.
I suggest to anyone in a situation with a elderly family member with and type of personality disorder to get help as fast as you can.
This is no place to be with a family and a life to live.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I have had others that have lived through similar situations.
Living with a narcissist is so hard on so many levels. They do not love anyone but themselves.
For family members, many do not see it or have lived with it so long that they do not know any thing different.
The sad part is, that your suggestion – to RUN and get away from a person like this valid.
If you are a family member that has a narcissist for a parent, it is really better to allow someone else to deal with them.
A narcissist does not have a sense of boundaries or caring or compassion or even feelings for another. The whole world revolves around them.
You will never be able to make them happy, meet their standards or expectations. They set the bar so you will never win.
The best part is to never try. If you cannot walk away from the narcissist, keep your distance and allow others- strangers to deal with the things you cannot.
One thing about a narcissist is, they will always find someone to use.
If you or someone you know has a narcissistic parent, and needs help,. Please feel free to contact us here.
We can help, listen and share experiences.
Diane Carbo RN
For more on how to deal with a narcissistic parent- click here