Life Beyond Caregiving: Embracing a New Chapter

Taking Care of My Mother. When It’s Over, Is It Really Over?

By Madison Hill

If I’m being honest, taking care of my mother is at once the most difficult and heartbreaking endeavor I have ever undertaken. There are times where I’m not sure which one of us is losing their mind (I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re both going loony), and most days I want to believe that I’m in charge—however, I know my mother vehemently disagrees. The struggles (both old and new) that we deal with on a daily basis often make me long for the life that I had before Alzheimer’s entered the picture.

It was during one of these moments (when I was venting to my husband) that he casually suggested we consider placing her in a local care facility. I usually never mention my husband when I write, but it was due to his suggestion that I had the revelation to write this post. My reply was something along the lines of “…I’m not ready for that yet…” which I later realized he expected. He knew I wasn’t prepared to let go of mom—but at the same time, he was (subtly) reminding me that caring for mom is a choice that I’m making. Nobody is forcing me to be a caregiver.

After this conversation, I started thinking about what life would (will…?) be like without mom around. So much of me is now wrapped up in who I have become while caring for her. What used to be the simplest, day-to-day tasks are now riddled with obstacles. Getting mom to shower was a battle I thought I would not only lose, but one that would put me over the edge completely. When she almost caught the kitchen on fire (twice!) I felt like I was failing completely—I was sure neither of us would make it out of my care alive.

But then there are moments—small ones—that I will hold dear forever. Making Christmas cookies and playing Yahtzee are some of my favorite memories to savor. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart, but for me it’s worth every extra second spent with mom. As the disease progresses and her mind deteriorates, I’m forced to face the fact that she won’t always be around.

After she’s gone, my daily life will return to nearly normal; but I wonder—can I handle that? What will I do without this identity that I’ve carried for so long? Who will I be if not my mother’s keeper? Back to being honest—some days, I can’t wait to be care-free (as it were)—but it comes at a price. I lose my mom. Although I’m slowly losing her now, to have her gone forever will be something I’m never ready for. In as much as I’ve become a part of mom’s life in a new role, she’s given new purpose to mine.

Only time will tell what the future holds for mom and me. I’m not sure how I will deal with life’s ever-changing facets, but I know one thing for sure—I’m not ready to let go just yet.

About Madison

Madison Hill is a happily married mother of two grown daughters and caregiver for her own mother. She makes mom jokes that will never stop embarrassing her girls, but her taste in music is a little bit cool (she thinks). When she’s not out crabbing, you can find her writing about homecare.

Oh Madison. I want to help you prepare for your caregiving journey coming to an end. You should start preparing now. Caregivers have a right to their own life. Your outside relationships need attention just like a garden. Your friends need attention and nurturing. Most caregivers ignore their outside relationships. Your caregiving journey will come to an end. If you do not give your garden of friends attention, those relationships will wither and die. You will feel alone and abandoned.

Transitioning After Caregiving Ends

Caregiving is a profoundly selfless role, often spanning years, where caregivers put their lives on hold to tend to another. The end of this journey, particularly due to the loss of a loved one, can leave caregivers at a crossroads, uncertain about the next steps in their lives. This period, while challenging, is also a time for personal growth and redefinition.

Guidance for Post-Caregiving Life

Here are some strategies to help navigate life after caregiving, a phase that many face with mixed emotions of grief, relief, and confusion:

Start with Small Daily Goals:

After caregiving, you might feel aimless or unproductive. Combat this by setting simple, achievable daily tasks. This gradual approach helps in adjusting to a new routine and finding purpose.

Spend Time with Yourself:

Caregiving often involves putting personal needs aside. Post-caregiving, it’s important to reconnect with yourself. Whether it's through hobbies, relaxation, or simply enjoying solitude, this is a time to rediscover your interests and passions.

Embrace and Process Your Emotions:

It’s common to experience a range of emotions, from grief and guilt to relief. Accepting these feelings as normal is crucial. Journaling or expressive writing can be therapeutic in processing these complex emotions.

Physical and Mental Health Care:

Caregivers often neglect their health. Post-caregiving is the time to focus on physical well-being and mental health. Engage in exercise, ensure adequate sleep, and consider counseling if needed.

Rebuilding Social Connections:

Caregiving can be isolating. Reconnecting with friends, joining support groups, or participating in community activities can help rebuild your social network.

Financial and Lifestyle Adjustments:

Caregivers may face financial changes after caregiving ends. It’s important to reassess your financial situation, make necessary adjustments, and seek professional advice if needed.

Rediscover Your Purpose:

With caregiving no longer defining your daily life, take the opportunity to explore new interests, career paths, or educational pursuits. This is a time to set new goals and embrace new opportunities.

Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness:

Gratitude practices, meditation, or mindfulness can be powerful tools in maintaining emotional balance and appreciating the present moment.

Take Things at Your Own Pace:

There’s no need to rush into a busy routine immediately. Re-enter life at a pace that feels comfortable for you, and don't succumb to external pressures.

Seek and Offer Support:

• Sharing your experiences with others who might be going through similar transitions can be mutually beneficial. Engaging in community forums or support groups allows for shared learning and emotional support.

Embracing Life After Caregiving

Life post-caregiving is undoubtedly a significant transition, filled with its own challenges and opportunities. It's a time for self-discovery, healing, and stepping into a new chapter of life with the wisdom and strength gained from your caregiving experience. Remember, rebuilding life after caregiving is a journey — one that allows you to explore new facets of yourself and the world around you.