Episode 67 - How To Set Boundaries With A Narcissistic Parent
How to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent. There are so many challenges caregivers face. There are physical and medical issues of providing care. There is significant emotional and psychological issues that impact the care caregivers themselves. Caregivers often experience a variety of complex emotions during their caregiving journey.
The family caregiver is expected to adjust to those changes that are expected of them as they provide care. The most common emotion that caregivers report is guilt, most report feelings of frustration and anxiety, and constantly ask, asking themselves, now what do I need to do and how am I going to keep on doing it?
The answers to these questions often allude the caregiver as they continue on their caregiving journey. Being able to set boundaries is essential for every caregiver, mental and emotional wellbeing. Learning how to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent is even more important.
And more of a challenge because the narcissist has no regard for personal boundaries or limits. According to the Miriam Webster dictionary, boundary is defined as something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. The definition for limits is something that bounds restrains or confines or to the utmost extent. So if you're an adult child of a narcissist, you may have not have learned there was such a thing as a boundary. A narcissistic parent has always invaded your personal space and has used emotional blackmail to manipulate you to get what they want.
If you have never been able to get away from that toxic environment, you may still be in the throes of it. Setting limits or boundaries is challenging for most family caregivers. When I work with a family caregiver, I recommend that they rely on their gut feelings or what feels right to them When they are constantly tired, feeling irritable and having difficulty making decisions, it's time to think about taking care of themselves. That advice is not what I would recommend to the adult child of a narcissist. The narcissistic parent has groomed their children through emotional blackmail tactics that do not allow the child of an narcissist to trust their gut feelings. Most ignore those feelings, second guess themselves, and give into the many demands to avoid conflict. I'm going to go back to the story of Star and Edith. Star is the adult child of a narcissist, a malignant narcissist, and Edith is her mother. Star took care of her mom for five years. During those five years, she consistently try to set boundaries, but we'll go into that later. She ignored her feelings. She was always second guessing herself, and she always gave into the demands of her mom just to avoid conflict, and there was always conflict and drama with Star and her mom. If you are presently providing care for a narcissistic parent or find yourself living with them, it's important to set healthy boundaries and then set limits with them.
This is to ensure your own sense of wellbeing. After decades of working with family caregivers, I have found that the majority feel uncomfortable setting boundaries. I'm a caregiver. I'm a professional caregiver. I'm a family caregiver. I am a people pleaser, so setting boundaries has been challenging for me when I was younger, so I understand it.
Most adult children of narcissists are terrified to set a boundary. They want to ignore their wishes to avoid the possible wrath of the narcissist. I often tell my clients that it is their responsibility to show others how to treat them. You do that by acknowledging and honoring your own needs and wellbeing. A narcissistic parent manipulates you because they know they can. They know the buttons to push to get the reaction they want.
The only way to stop a narcissist and any other person from walking all over you is to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. You must learn to set limits. So why should you set limits and boundaries? Oh, I have watched many adult children of a narcissist struggle to take those first steps on setting boundaries.
Many will do whatever it takes to keep peace, ignoring what is in their both best interest, because I have watched so many adult children of narcissists truly struggle. I think I first want to address why it is so important to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is making a clear statement on what you will and will not tolerate.
It is the line you do not want anyone to cross. Determining boundaries and identifying what your limits is easy. It's implementing them. That's hard for the average caregiver. For the adult child of a narcissist, you've spent most of your life accepting your narcissist, parents, mistreatments and mis-manipulations. I like to provide my clients with a page, as I call it, the caregiver rights.
So I want to share what those rights are. It is important that every family caregiver understand that they have the right to promote health and wellbeing for a successful caregiving journey. Caregivers have the right to enjoy open communications between the senior family member, friends and other caregivers.
They have a right to offer a point of view, opinion, or suggestions regarding the care when appropriate. Caregivers have the right to encourage and expect their family member to be independent for as long as possible. They also have a right to care for their own personal needs without feeling selfish or guilty.
This is living life as if your family member is still healthy. Taking care of yourself allows you to be a better caregiver, and yes, you do have rights. You are only human and you have limitations. Only you know what those limitations are. For the adult child of a narcissist, I'm going to add two more rights.
You have the right to be treated with respect and you have the right to your own privacy and personal space. Many adult children of narcissistic parents feel very important. Many feel they don't deserve to have boundaries. You have the right to voice what is okay and not okay with you. Again. I'm going to bring us back to Star.
God bless her. She struggled so much. She would set a boundary and it would be just one Mom, you need to stay home while I'm going to work. And her mom would call the police. Tell them that she was abandoned. She would call a taxi and go to the store where Star was working and create a scene because she wanted Star at home.
Now, that's the extreme, but I'll tell you when you live with that kind of constant over- crossing of boundaries, you realize you don't have boundaries with this person. I know the narcissist ignore boundaries because they think they're superior.
They think they're above the rules and limitations, and they actually lack the insight to even notice they're violating a boundary in the first place. Star's mother Edith, she didn't care that she was crossing a boundary. She wanted what she wanted when she wanted it. This is the narcissist way of maintaining control over you.
They control you to make your personal boundaries completely non-existent. And with Star and Edith, Star had no boundaries. They were totally non-existent for her mom as Edith did. So many narcissists use guilt tripping, stonewalling, gaslighting threats, or straight up mans to get their way. So I understand the biggest fear is the backlash, the consequences you will face as you change the relationship dynamic.
Setting boundaries in any relationship is healthy. Setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent is not only healthy, it is necessary for your survival. You need to protect yourself and manage their abusive, manipulative, and emotionally abusive tactics. The tips and strategies I'm going to share with you today will also apply to other abusive and manipulative people in your life. So let's get into the nitty gritty strategies to change your relationship dynamic. I think the first two thing you have to do is determine your boundaries. The adult child of a narcissist often have a hard time determining what they want, so what boundaries do you want to set?
In order to be able to set boundaries, you need to think about what you want, then decide how you can verbalize those thoughts. What are your buttons they push? Do they belittle you in front of others? Do they constantly tell you how to do things or how they could have been done better?
I am sure there are many things that they do that make you feel uncomfortable or upset. Accept that they will not likely respect your requests, but you still have the right to voice your needs. So take time and think about how you would like to be treated. There may be an endless list of things you want to address.
The important thing is you start with just one, the most important one to you. If you give them a litany of boundaries, they'll only feel attacked and will most likely ignore you and your wishes. So express just one, just to see how that goes.
Then you can set more. Oh, just this one may be a challenge for a while. Always approach your narcissistic parent with care and caution. Saying anything they perceive as a possible slight against them will result in attacks and more emotional blackmail tactics. Okay. You've identified your first boundary.
Now you have to be clear and vocal. It's important to be direct, brief, and consistent. Be clear and concise on what you will and will not tolerate, and what the consequence for violating that limit will be. If you feel uncomfortable at first, and trust me, you will. We all do. Do it over the phone or by email or whatever feels the least stressful for you. Star wanted to go across the world, to the other side of the world, when she told Edith her boundaries that she wanted to set. Understand that if you seem uncertain or unsure about your boundaries, the narcissist will not respect them or honor them.
Be prepared to identify and set consequences for when those boundaries get violated. Without any consequences, boundaries are meaningless. So when setting boundaries, you can tell them what happens if they don't respect them. Now we know that narcissists don't care about how you feel.
They don't react to statements. They ignore whatever is right or wrong. They are unable to listen to reason, but here is the key to setting boundaries. They do care about how it will affect them. That's important. If the narcissist understands that violating your boundaries will result in consequences they dislike or things that will inconvenience them, that might stop them doing whatever it is they're doing because it has a negative impact on them. When identifying the consequences, make sure it's actually something you will be able to follow through with.
Star started big, I encouraged her not to. A lot of us encouraged her not to in our caregiving group. But she would always say to her, mom, I'm just going to put you in a home if you don't stop these behaviors. And that doesn't work. Of course, it. Edith was very challenging, and I know that there are a lot of you out there that have a narcissistic person in your life that is smothering you and controlling you and challenging you.
So I don't make light of this at all. Here's the important thing. If they do not suffer any consequences for ignoring your boundaries, they'll just do it over and over again. And that's what happened with Star and Edith. Star should have said things like, set a boundary, Mom, I'm going to work. I'll bring something home for you after work. Adult children of narcissist may or may not be fine with having a difference of opinion. Some over the years still feel they need to stand up and debate their point of view.
Some of you are just not broken and you still have that spitfire. I'm going to argue in my point of view. This is the time when the narcissistic parent will start the emotional blackmail tactics. They may want to, they will start to demean you, start the name calling and the insults. If this is something yet you have endured in the past, it is time to put a stop to allowing them to treat you that way.
It is time to tell them that this is a line you will not allow to be crossed anymore. Let them know. Say, if you continue to insult me or call me names, I'll leave the room or hang up the phone. And if they ignore your boundaries and continue to call you those names, or demean you or demoralize you, you need to do what you said what you were going to do.
Leave that room. Hang up the phone. It's so important to stand your ground. Now, trust me, I realize it's not easy but you do not refuse to give in. That's why you start small, don't call me names, respect me. Maybe the first step, first boundary you set. And every single time they open their mouth to say something, you put your hand out and you go, stop.
I will not tolerate that. This may be the very first time you give them the message that you will no longer tolerate them attacking you. Let them know your boundaries are non-negotiable. Do not try to have a meaningful discussion about your boundaries. Do not try to argue your point of view. Don't try to explain or elaborate.
Simply state your boundaries. Keep it brief. Do not discuss it further. Make the interaction as short as possible. I know that many of you feel angry, fearful, and frustrated. Oh gosh, do I get that? It is a time when you need to try your very best to remain consistent.
If you are inconsistent or waver, it might seem like you're uncertain about your decisions. Indecision will give them a chance to push your buttons and poke at your vulnerabilities. So prepare your boundaries ahead of time and stick to them. When your narcissistic parent does, cross the line, enforce your established consequence.
Then there, and trust me, there will be multiple attempts to ignore your boundaries when you make a decision to set that boundary. Be prepared for being challenged, and this will be very difficult. You are standing up to your parents who have controlled basically every aspect of your life, taking this step to set boundaries as necessary for your physical and emotional wellbeing. Be prepared for the worst possible response, your narcissistic parent may react aggressively. That's what Edith did with Star. Others may use emotional blackmail tactics like guilt tripping, or even feigning an illness. They're going to try to play the pity party card. Either way, your narcissistic parent will find a way to make it that you are the problem. They will turn this around and make it your fault. You're too sensitive, you're selfish. They may even accuse you of not loving them. They definitely will accuse you of being crazy, but stand your ground. They will do whatever it takes to continue to push the limits and ignore your boundaries.
They'll try to push those buttons. They will try to negotiate, and Lord knows they will push you into an argument. But stand your ground, never back down from the consequences and let them, or let them change your mind. I talk about Star and Edith. Star wavered often. It took her five years to stick to setting limits and boundaries.
She wavered and gave into her mother's emotional tactics. Sadly, Star paid the ultimate price. The stress and demands of caring for a narcissistic parent took a severe toll on Star's Health. So as difficult as it is you are putting your foot down. Show them that this is unnegotiable. Do not respond to their tactics.
No matter what they do, show them that you're serious about this. Like Star, you're going to be really tempted to give in. It's a lifelong pattern that you're feel you're familiar with. It's a learned pattern of behavior. You need to break that pattern. Most likely you have given into their demands many times before, but try your best.
Most narcissists remember, lack self-confidence. They try very hard to make others feel small so that they feel better about themselves. Here's a tip. If you stand your ground and address your boundaries and identify consequences, it'll catch them off guard. Simply. It's as simple as Mom, I can no longer tolerate your demeaning me. I don't want name calling. I don't want you insulting me. And the response by your narcissistic parent is you stupid dumb rah, whatever.
Put your hand up. Say, stop. If you continue this behavior, I'm leaving the room. And then do it. Now remember, the narcissistic parent is used to beating you down. It is time to show them that they can no longer do that. Confidently saying so may help. Be prepared to call them out if they get close to crossing the line. I've seen adult children of a narcissist interacting with their parents. And when we initiate the initial technique of, stop, don't say that. I'll walk out of the room. It's sometimes the conversation never gets past. Stop. Stop with a handout. Put your hand out in front of you.
As in stop, and it does get challenging and it gets exhausting, but you have to be prepared to call them out. Do not even let the small things slide. They will push inch by inch until they have crossed your boundary. They are just waiting for you to have a moment of weakness. They will try to draw you into their web and get you to try to explain or defend your boundaries.
They want you to argue and manipulate you so it really is best to stay brief and direct with them. When they want to have a further discussion, change the subject, shift to something else, or just leave the room. You can answer genuine questions if they have any. That's hard to believe that they would, but okay.
Just don't fall for their pity parties, their guilt trips, their accusations, their threats, they're gaslighting or their interrogations. Try your best to not respond at all, not negatively or positively when your boundary is crossed. Your narcissistic parent will push the out boundary to get a reaction out of you.
If you react negatively in any way, it continues to give them power over you. Instead, when your parent crosses your boundary, simply restate what your boundary is, then enforce the consequences you have identified. They're going to make repeated attempts to cross, you'll be tempted to argue or react in anger. This is when you need to take this step and learn to take a deep breath and calm yourself. Breathing, thinking about something else for just the moment.
To get ahold of yourself and control your emotions is important. So learn to take that deep breath and calm yourself. Then just simply restate your boundary, enforce the consequences, then remove yourself from the situation. It will be hard, but you try your best not to argue. Arguing with them gives them an excuse to attack you.
This is what I want when I say you need to be unemotional. You need to focus on remaining indifferent. Ignore them if you have to. They will intentionally cross your boundary. They want to hurt you. They want to get a reaction out of you. They want to regain control over you. This is what they call a form of narcissistic baiting.
They want to see you hurt, upset, sad, scared, and upset. As hard as it is when this happens, all you can do is ignore them. Remain indifference. Try to remain unemotional. Take those deep breaths in. Take time to breathe When you are communicating with them, use one word responses or even sounds or avoid eye contact with them. Show no interest in what they are saying to you. Even if it's causing you to feel hurt inside, hide your feelings. Do not show them that you are hurting or upset in any way. Oh, is it going to be hard? Remember, they intentionally tried to get a reaction out of you if you give them what they want.
They'll just keep doing it. Think of them like a toddler having a temper tantrum. Toddlers will cry, throw themselves on the floor, kick and scream. The narcissist will throw tantrums resort to name calling and insults. They will play the victim or try to shame you or put you on a guilt trip. Giving them any attention, positive or negative means their tactics are working.
Like a toddler, if it works, they will do it over and over again. We've all seen the parent that gives in to the screaming, angry, frustrated toddler. When a parent gives in, they give them a toy, they give them the treat that they wanted. The behavior only escalates to a higher level with that toddler as they get older and it gets embarrassing.
It gets challenging. When they're intentionally and blatantly crossing your boundary for a reaction, it's perhaps the best to leave the situation. Do your best to ignore them, remain indifferent until you're away from them. It is times like this when they are attacking you, it makes no sense to restate your boundary when they're emotional like that.
Talking back in any way, gives them ammunition for them to use against you because just a response is a reaction that might feed into their craziness. If they can't get a reaction out of you, they will hopefully give up trying. It's a challenge, but it does work over time.
It's just exhausting. There may come a time when the interaction may escalate and get out of hand. It didn't in Star and Edith's situation, the narcissistic parent may perceive your new behaviors threatening their control over you, and that's what happened with Edith and Star.
Edith could not let go. She wanted to consume Star. They may scream and make very hurtful insults towards you. After all, they have controlled you, interfered in your life without any consequences. You have been living in a very toxic environment, and you probably didn't even know it. When that happens, you have every right to walk away.
You have every right to leave a toxic interaction without anyone's permission. Just say, I have to go, or, oops, I forgot I'm late for an appointment, or simply just walk out the room without any explanation. I have a client, an adult child of a narcissist that actually sets her phone to go off during the her visit with her parent.
This way, she has an excuse that she can leave the room and explain that she needs to take a call. Hey, this is a great strategy to use. Even if you live with a narcissist. It gives you an opportunity to go somewhere else for a break from the drama. It is important to remember remaining calm, disinterested, unemotional, and not let them see your frustration hurt or anxiety.
This is really important if you live with a narcissist. Remaining calm and disinterested may avoid possible repercussions when you have to see them again. You are trying to break a lifelong battle of abuse. The reality is there are those malignant narcissists out there that do not care what the consequences are.
You have tried multiple times and failed to get them to accept your boundaries. They repeatedly cross those boundaries. It is times like this when it seems like nothing is working no matter what you do. You might have to consider cutting ties, breaking contact with them. Considering cutting all contact with your parent can be difficult. In many ways, you may still have a sense of attachment or you may feel you're just not ready to make a complete break. It is at those times you may consider limiting contact or taking a break from them, even if it's just for a few days to a few weeks.
When you are ready, reestablish that contact again. Then gauge how you are feeling. If things don't seem to improve, or you find that the interactions with your narcissistic parent are making your mental and physical health worth, please reconsider what is in your best interest. Learn at least to establish very low contact so they cannot have a negative impact on your health.
For the adult child of a narcissist that has successfully introduced setting boundaries and enforced the consequences, these over time will become new habits in your relationship with both you and your narcissist. This relationship is always going to feel shallow. It's always going to feel one side because it is.
It is the nature of any relationship with a narcissist. You have changed the rules to function at a much safer and healthier level. As you set boundaries with your narcissistic parent, you become the one in control. This is a new strategy that will take you one step closer to putting yourself first.
Being raised by a narcissist, you have always put others before yourself, but it's time to do things differently. Putting yourself first and voicing your boundaries is not selfish. In fact, it's downright healthy. It shows that you are human and that you know how to protect yourself. It is time that you know you're worthy of respect.
So get out of your comfort zone. Take the steps to be a healthier and happier you. Remember, you have the right to do what's best for you. You have the right to keep yourself safe. Learn to practice self-care every day because you are worth it.
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Diane Carbo
