Podcast

Episode 43 - Uncovering the Truth - We are Born to Die

Diane Carbo

Sep 20, 2024 — 19 min read

Welcome. Today's topic is a real tough one, uncovering the truth. We are born to die. While it's a tough topic, one that we don't want to address, it's a necessary one. Uncovering the truth. We are born to die. I deal with aging seniors and their family caregivers every day. I have been at the bedside of patients and my family members as well as they pass.

I was seven years old when a classmate and neighbor Joey Buffo died. He was only seven years old. He was an only child of an Italian family and was laid out in his living room. The sadness and grief could be felt before you entered the house. I remember walking through the neighborhood ball field to get to Joey's house maybe because I was young and just had experienced the loss of my maternal grandmother, but I was not afraid and had told my mom she didn't need to go with me that time.

The loss of my maternal grandmother was a devastating loss to the family. My mom is Irish American, and the wake for my grandmother was three days long. And if you've ever been to an Irish wake, you know there was lots of eating, drinking, crying, and laughing.

It was a celebration of my grandmother's life. Unlike the somber quiet wake for Joey. Because I came from a very large Irish family. I experienced death and dying often. I remember my great-grandfather, Bachman, he was on his deathbed seven times. Seriously. He really was. I remember my grandmother and her three sisters.

I called him my three little aunts 'cause they were tiny. Getting the silver tea service out and everyone gathering in the living room as my great-grandfather was going through his death and dying process. Of course, because we were Catholic, the priest would come in and give my great-grandfather last rights.

That's what it was called at the time. I'll never forget the time we thought he was actively dying. He woke up from his coma only to ask my grandmother where his new suit was. Just two days before he had dropped a new suit off at the tailors to be tailor fitted to him 'cause he had lost a lot of weight.

Each and every time the family would gather and all the grand kids and great grandkids were brought to the house to participate in the cultural tradition of sitting vigil. Of course, we kids would sit on the dark cherry steps and peering to the living room, watching everyone praying and preparing themselves to say goodbye.

Many years later, my own mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, found on her pre-op chest x-ray before she was to have gallbladder surgery. I was only a senior in high school at that time. That year was a brutal year for me and my mom, and after she recovered from her gallbladder surgery, she started to have cobalt treatments.

Remember, that was 50 years ago, and as the oldest of four, I was the one that had to help my mom. My dad often worked two and three jobs to support a family of four kids, so I was the one that became responsible for taking care of my siblings and taking care of my mom as she fought cancer. I remember feeling helpless, angry with God, and afraid.

My mom's chest and back were burned from the radiation. The oncologist had placed an incision in my mom's up upper chest on the left side of her chest. This is what they call a thoracotomy. And there were times when gallons of fluid would start gushing out of my mother's chest, like someone turned a faucet on.

As a young girl, I felt so alone, so afraid, and so helpless. I also remember feeling angry. Angry at my mom for being sick. And I remember that I skipped out of school at lunchtime and I walked about four miles home every day to be with my mom. She needed help with cleaning, ironing, and making meals and doing laundry.

So in September of that year, I started nursing school. My mom's oncologist was across the street from the school where I was attending nursing school. On December 17th, my mom was told by her oncologist that she had beat cancer. She was given a good bill of health. My mom was so excited to come tell me about the success. As she left the doctor's office and entered the elevator,

my mom, through what they call a pulmonary embolism, that is a clot to the lung. She was placed in intensive care. She died that night. I was able to see my mom for a brief period in intensive care. She looked so frail, but was so excited to tell me about beating cancer. And because it was Christmas time, my mom needed to finish her Christmas shopping.

She gave me the list and gave my instructions, and gave me instructions on what I needed to do and what she needed to be done while she was in the hospital. While I was out shopping, my mom died. It changed my life forever. It has also helped to mold my thoughts on death and dying. As a nurse and as a care manager later in life, I have frequently come across so many that fear, death and dying. So many refuse to even acknowledge that death exists. So I've decided to share my thoughts and experiences on death and dying with you. Life and death. It is a conundrum. The question of life and death has been a universal conundrum that has intrigued humanity since the dawn of time.

Is our existence merely a birth to death journey, or is there more to it? Are we as the phrase so starkly puts it simply, we are born to die. In my Audiocast, we're gonna discuss we are born to die with death being part of a life's natural cycle. We're gonna talk about religion and culture, how it shapes our understanding of existence while science and technology provide insight into the physical aspects of mortality.

And I'm going to encourage you to find purpose in life by embracing it fully, taking risk, showing kindness, and appreciating the small things along your life's journey. The concept of Born to Die. You may have heard the phrase, born to Die. It's a concept that intertwines life and death, suggesting that physical death is actually a birth into a greater life, an eternal life.

It's a perspective that offers afresh, if not a bit daunting lens to look at our existence. But what if there's more to it than we can see with our naked eye? The phrase Born to Die might sound similar to some of you, especially if you're fan of Lana Del Rey whose music often explores the themes of life and death. But beyond the music, the phrase carries a profound spiritual significance. As per Christian belief, being born is not just about coming into the world, it is about the journey to become like God and sharing his eternal life.

This idea is a fascinating contrast to the evolutionary theory, which suggests that humans evolve through natural selection and random mutations. In the context of a music video, Lana del Rey's artistry brings these themes to life, captivating her audio with powerful visuals and storytelling.

The concept of being created in the image of God adds another layer to this discussion. It suggests that we possess some of God's qualities and have the capacity to think like him. And as we live our lives, we strive to reflect the likeness of the heavenly man Christ or Allah, or whatever higher power you believe in.

Therefore, transitioning from our human state to a divine one. For those of other faith, I hope you will share your views on life and death with us on caregiver relief.com and our caregiver stories. So let's confront the reality of death and dying. When we speak about being born to die, we are also acknowledging the inevitable death.

Death is a part of life and it marks the end of our time here on Earth. It's a reality that we can find hard to face. The very thought of our own mortality can be unnerving, but have you ever wondered why it's important to come to terms with it? Confronting our mortality can be a transformative experience.

It's a reminder that our time is limited, encouraging us to appreciate the moments we have and make the most of them. It's about understanding the importance of living life to its fullest and not taking anything for granted. So ironically, acknowledging death can make us more alive.

I have seen so many cancer survivors be transformed by beating cancer. I have seen pediatric patients with terminal diseases embrace the time they have doing the things they enjoy as their condition allows. I remember a 17 year old young man, when I was a student nurse that had agammaglobulinemia. I related to this young man because I was only 19 at the time and he was 17.

Agammaglobulinemia is a condition that does not fight infections. He required infusions to help him fight any type of infection that he had. He desperately just wanted to be like other kids. For most of his life, Chris was homeschooled and at that time, 50 years ago, that was very unusual.

He fought with his family to allow him to attend high school. He went to football games, dances, and pep rallies. Chris spent a lot of time in the hospital fighting infections that he developed. He was so frustrated with his body because he just wanted to be a teenager. Sadly, Chris succumbeded to one of his infections, but not before he received his high school diploma with his class. He found happiness, or at least contentment, just being a high school student and living his best life. Accepting the inevitability of death is a journey of its own. It means coming to terms with the fact that death is a part of life, something we must all face eventually.

It's about being able to accept death as a natural part of life and not being afraid of it. After all, isn't it the fear of death that often holds us back from truly living. I see this fear of death and decisions made to extend life with modern day life sustaining measures to extend life. Most times, those life sustaining measures do not improve the quality of life, but instead prolong the pain and suffering.

So let's talk about the physical life versus the eternal life. The discourse about life and death inevitably leads us to the distinction between physical life and eternal life. Physical life as we know it is bound by time and space. It has a clear beginning and an end.

Eternal life, on the other hand, is limitless, but it's not just about living forever. It's about the quality of life that starts here on earth and extends into eternity. Different cultures and religions have their own beliefs and perspectives about the afterlife and the journey of the soul. Some believe in reincarnation, while others believe in the soul's ascension to heaven.

And I understand how people believe in reincarnation and I am not gonna question that belief at all because energy is neither created nor destroyed. So how do we know that we're not reborn into the world as we leave it in another form? These beliefs shape our understanding of eternal life and provide a framework within which we comprehend our existence.

There are many that live life as atheist or agnostics. I have been at the deathbed of several that have had no religious affiliations of any kind. Many as they near death discussed life after death. I have often been asked for me to pray for them. I had one gentleman tell me he was just hedging on his bet that in case he was wrong about no life after death, that his thoughts were that there was no higher power.

He wanted to speak with a clergyman, to pray with him or for him. He was a scientist. His thoughts were, if energy is neither created nor destroyed, just maybe he was wrong. 50 years of nursing has shown me that as we near death, we all question if there's life after death. Of course, I also have been with loved ones that have become angry at their God because they took their loved one too early, even if their family member was in their nineties.

So the concept of being born to die can take on a new meeting. When seen from this perspective, it's not just about the inevitability of physical death, but about the birth into eternal life. It's about the journey of the soul from the physical realm to the eternal one. So let's talk about our journey from mother's womb to our own mortality.

If life is a journey from birth to death, what does this journey entail? Our journey begins in our mother's womb, and from the moment we're born, we embark on serious stages of infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Each stage brings with it its own expectations, teachings, challenges, obstacles that shape us into the individuals we become.

As we grow from babies into adults, we experience a myriad of things. We learn, we build relationships and grow personally and professionally. However, as time passes, we also witness the inevitable process of aging and the eventual loss of our physical and mental abilities. It's a sobering reminder of our own mortality.

The culmination of this journey is when we reach the stage of ego integrity versus despair. It's the time when we take stock of our life, reflect on our experiences and accomplishments, and come to terms with our mortality. It's the point where we reconcile with the concept of being born to die and the journey from our mother's womb to our own mortality. This reminds me of a middle aged female I cared for at a cancer center. She had a second recurrence of breast cancer about five years after being cancer free.

She kept this recurrence to herself and she did not share this information with her husband or her children. Her oldest daughter was planning her wedding and she did not want to be upset, the wedding plans, and she admitted to me she just wanted to look good for that wedding. She wanted to look good in her wedding pictures and had give her daughter good memories.

She did not want to lose her hair, nor did she want to look sickly. So when I met Marta, she was in a cancer center and I was discussing her options as her cancer had metastasized and was told she did not have long to live. Her family was devastated. Marta told them she wanted a life celebration and a designer headstone.

She wanted to be remembered for how good she looked and not be remembered as a sick, bald cancer patient. Marta went home on hospice. She was able to have a huge life celebration surrounded by family and friends.

She also was able to pick out and purchase the designer headstone she wanted, and I just want you to know. That is why I love hospice. They give you an or opportunity to live life on your terms and you can have a say in your death and be surrounded by family and friends as you go through your death and dying process.

The role of religion in understanding life and death. Faith or religion plays a significant role in shaping our understanding of life and death. It provides us with a set of beliefs and practices that give us a sense of purpose and meaning to our lives. It also provides comfort in the face of death and shapes our attitudes towards it.

Cultural perspectives on life and death. Culture much like religion shapes our perception of life and death. Different cultures have unique ways of viewing life and death, each with its own set of customs, rituals, and beliefs.

Some cultures view life as a cycle, believing the dead have influence over the living. This belief shapes their rituals and practices as they honor the deceased and acknowledge their continued presence in their lives.

Our cultures view death as part of life and focusing on celebrating the life of the person who passed away. In contrast, Western cultures often view death as mysterious and frightening. These cultural perspectives greatly influence how we perceive the concept of being born to die. They shape our understanding of life and death and provide a unique lens through which we view our existence.

I have been blessed to experience a variety of different cultural death rituals. I can tell you one of the ones that I see most often and universal is when someone dies in the facility or even at home. The first thing a many think is to open a window to let the spirit out.

And as I told you earlier, I'm from an Irish descent. The Irish celebrate life. When my mom died, my future husband was appalled at the behaviors of my relatives. After all, how could people eat, drink, and laugh after a loss? It was a deep contrast to his parents' funerals. In fact, they never had so much as a memorial service for his father or his mother. I felt sad for him and his family. Their approach to death and dying was to ignore that it occurred or even acknowledge they lived. To me, it was a missed opportunity to grieve and share the pain with others. Let's talk about the impact of science and talk technology on our perception of death.

Science and technology have greatly influenced our understanding of life and death. They have provided us with an insight into the physical and psychological aspects of death and the process of dying, helping us prepare for and cope with the inevitability of death. Advancements in science and technology have made cremation and cryonics more reasonable alternatives to traditional burial.

They have made it possible to preserve the body longer, providing us with more options when dealing with death. Moreover, these advancements have made us more aware of the inevitability of death. They have provided us with knowledge and tools that help us understand and accept our own mortality.

It's through this understanding that we can better navigate our journey from birth to death. But there is also a downside to the advancements of medical science and technology. There are so many life sustaining measures that can extend life.

These measures do not cure or improve the quality of life. They may extend life. In fact, we have gone from extending life through tube feedings and artificial feedings. We've extended life by putting people on ventilators when the natural process would be they stop breathing and they can no longer live. We are at a point now where we actually do EEGs, which are the brainwaves to see if there's brainwave activity. One of the most frightening thoughts that I've read about over the last decade is the thought of implanting something in the brain to keep you going. When will we accept that death is a natural part of living? Statistics show that lifesaving measures can extend life. They do not cure, and they do not improve the quality of life.

While they may extend life, they do prolong pain and suffering. I also believe the movie industry gives such a false sense of the death and dying process. They never show the pain and suffering a person may go through. They never show the deformed and mutilated results of some of these life extending treatments.

I provided the end of life care for a very handsome 37 year old man. Brad was a very successful Wall Street broker. He was admitted to a cancer center to fight his cancer. The treatment transformed Brad to something you would see in a horror filmed. His body became bloated. His face was unrecognizable. As we spoke to him about hospice and end of life care, he could not get over the fact that he was going to die looking the way he did, and he did not want his family to remember him in this condition. Brad never made it home. He died in the hospital the next day. I'm also gonna share this story about Barbie and Ken.

That's what we called them at the hospital. Her name was Samantha. And Sam was this absolutely incredibly beautiful, stunningly beautiful young woman. She was in her mid thirties, mother of two. She was a model and her husband was this tall, handsome, good looking fellow. They had what many thought was the perfect life.

And then one day she was diagnosed, Samantha was diagnosed with glioblastoma. Their life was shattered. They started treatment for Samantha and she went home. A month later, she came into the cancer center and she was totally transformed and unrecognizable. The once beautiful and gorgeous female was coming in from complications to the chemo and the radiation that she was receiving at the time.

Her head was twice the size it was, and she looked like something out of a horror film. Sadly, she wasn't able to lay down. She couldn't get, her pain was terrible and she died in the hospital a few days later, it broke our hearts. She was fighting cancer but didn't survive.

Finding purpose and meaning in a finite existence. Despite the inevitability of death, it's crucial to find purpose and meaning in our lives. After all is in our journey from birth to death, filled with experiences that shape us, teach us, and ultimately defined us. Finding purpose in life can be unique, a unique journey for everyone.

It can be about connecting with our passions, exploring our spirituality, reflecting on our experiences or even making the most of the small moments. Our relationships, work, hobbies, these are all parts of our lives that can help us discover our purpose. I want to share a story about my father.

My dad was a letter carrier. He worked many jobs, often two to three jobs at a time as we were growing up to provide for his family. He became seriously ill soon after retirement from the post office. My dad was experiencing nausea, weight loss, and had a yellow tinge to his skin.

While in the hospital, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They did a Whipple procedure on him to alleviate many of his symptoms. This is a very difficult procedure to overcome. While he was recovering, the doctors told my dad he should consider hospice that he did not have long for the world. Now my dad had a timeshare in Hawaii.

It was his favorite place in the world. He could save his weeks and he'd put them together so he could go to Hawaii for six weeks at a time. And my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in I believe it was October, and he had plans to go to Hawaii in January of the next year. And as soon as he heard the word hospice, my dad blurted out that he was going to cancel his trip to Hawaii.

I jumped right in and told, said to him, Hey, you're not dead yet. Let's wait and see how you feel. We can put you on hospice there if we have to, and if you die while you're there, at least you're in your happy place. My dad was able to take his trip. Two days in Hawaii, my dad was taken off hospice. He rallied and had six amazing weeks.

I'm sure it was a spiritual awakening for him. Two days before he was to come home, he started not feeling well. The poor man flew from Hawaii to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and died on hospice surrounded by his family a few months later. My youngest brother was on vacation with his family as my dad started his active dying process.

They had driven to Florida from Pittsburgh. Now my dad, while in a coma, held on until my brother came to see him. He died within an hour of my brother's return. My dad gave my brother the opportunity to say his goodbyes, and I can tell you that I've seen this multiple times in my experiences with death and dying patients.

So I encourage you to embrace the journey of life. Let's face the inevitability of death, but let's not let it overshadow our living.

Let's find joy in the small things. Show kindness. Take risk, and stay in the moment. After all, isn't life about making the most of our finite existence? I want to share with you that I belong to an organization called Exit International. It is an assisted suicide program.

I am a supporter of Dr. Kevorkian and that may find then many of you, but I also feel that there's a time and a place where that might be necessary. I've seen it, I've experienced it with many and I believe in it, but we have a movement going on right now that is frightening to me, even though I support assisted suicide. Recently in Canada, Trudeau had passed a law about the assisted suicide bill and I was shocked to learn and saw a commercial on Canadian tv, and it promoted assisted suicide as if it was Nirvana, the answer to everything. It just took my breath away. Later a few weeks later, I witnessed two interviews by young disabled females, one on one side of Canada and one on the other.

The one young woman was a 30 something female. She was, I believe, a paraplegic. She was in a wheelchair and she had been to her social worker because she needed snow tires for her wheelchair, and she needed a ramp to get into her house. Now she's been on a waiting list in Canada. For five years to get this wheelchair ramp.

And even though the law requires that they provide the wheel, the snow tires for her to get around the budget has not allowed that, so she's been waiting. While she was at her visit with her social worker to nudge them along and say, where am I on the list? What's happening?

The social worker offered her a solution to her problems, and that was assisted suicide. Now, I was so offended by this and I didn't think it was real or true until I heard and watched the other female say the same similar things. So I think we're moving into an a time in our lives when they're talking, going green and saving the environment and they want to get rid of our disabled and our elderly and our imperfect individuals in our world by offering them assisted suicide. So I'm really having a hard time with this because when I watched the interview of the young woman who was interviewed with the wheelchair that had been, she literally, has its very challenging life.

She literally has to get out of her chair and wiggle herself and pull herself up steps to get into her house and into her home. It broke my heart, but she still had and embraced her life and wanted to live her best life, and that's what we need to do. After all, isn't life about making the most out of our finite existence?

And that's what that woman was doing. Be aware that assisted suicide is growing. While I am a supporter of it in many different instances getting rid of our elderly or are disabled because they, it's financially overwhelming for the community to keep support someone like this. While this woman embraced her life, she accepted her journey through life. From the moment we are born, we are set out on a journey of life that inevitably leads us to death. But along the way, we learn, we grow, we love, we cry, we have pain, and we experience many different things in our lives. We grapple with the concept of being born to die and what it means in the concept of our physical and eternal life.

We explore the role of religion and culture in shaping our understanding of life and death. We delve into the impact of science and technology on our perception of our own mortality, and most importantly, we learned to find purpose and meaning in our finite existence. In the end, being born to die is not just about the inevitability of death, it's about the journey of life and the experiences we have along the way.

It's about the joy of living and the lessons we learn and the love we share. So let's embrace this journey for it is through this journey we truly live.

This has been brought to you by Caregiver relief. I'm Diane Carbo, rn.