Episode 40: Coping with Bereavement and Grief : Advice and Support
Welcome. Today's topic is on coping with bereavement and grief advice and support. This is a tough topic I know because I suffer from terrible grief. Lost my mom at an early age and then my son. My oldest son completed suicide about 11 years ago. He was a disabled vet with a terrible and debilitating chronic pain condition.
So I have a lot of experience with bereavement and grief. And I thought that it was a good topic for us to talk about today. Losing someone we love is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn't make the grieving process any less challenging. How do we navigate the emotional turmoil and practical aspects of bereavement?
How can we support others who are grieving? In this audio cast, we'll explore the complexities of grief and bereavement and discover coping strategies, ways to help others, and the importance of self-care during this difficult time.
Basically, I want you to have an understanding of bereavement and it's emotional impact because it's essential for coping with loss. You have to respect your own grieving style and provide support to others to navigate their process. And it's important that when we need to, we seek help, practice self-care and connect with others who understand and take care of legal matters during the bereavement process.
So understanding bereavement. Bereavement is an intensely personal experience that occurs after the loss of a loved one. The emotional impact of bereavement can vary greatly, but it's important to remember there's no right or wrong way to grieve. A grief is a normal response to loss, and it can manifest in different ways depending on the individual and your relationship with the deceased.
While everyone may experience bereavement differently, seeking support from grief counseling, support groups and loved ones is essential during this time. Grieving can result from various losses such as the passing of a loved one. We feel lost when we relocate or move from an old home, graduating from college or changing jobs.
These are forms of grief that we have. And the loss of pets, oh lord, that's a huge one. So understanding the different types of grief and the emotions they may evoke, such as anticipatory grief or disenfranchised grief, can help us better cope with our own bereavement journey and support others in theirs.
So let's define bereavement. Bereavement refers to the period of mourning, grief, following a person's death, a person who has died. Grief is a natural reaction to losing someone close to us. And the grieving process is unique to every individual. Mourning is the process of coming to terms with a major loss, and it's essential that we allow ourselves and others the space to grieve in their own way.
I can tell you that it's 11 years since I lost my oldest son to suicide. And I've had people tell me that I should already be over it. I'm going to tell you that it's really important to understand that grief takes as long as it takes, and no one, I'm not on somebody else's timeframe.
I'm still being a productive member of society. I'm still, I'm not spending my days in bed missing my son and not able to function, but there's a huge hole in my life since the death of my mother 57 years ago and now with the loss of my son 11 years ago. When the stronger the relationship and bond you have with a person the bigger the whole, they leave in your life.
I also want to encourage you to be open and honest with children about death and bereavement, providing support and guidance as they navigate their own grieving process. My father, when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, wouldn't let us discuss her cancer or even the possibility that she may not make it and die. It has negatively impacted me my entire life.
I do have complicated grief because of that, and I think that if I share these stories with you, maybe it'll help you get through your bereavement and grief process. The emotional impact of bereavement can vary greatly depending on the individual's relationship with the deceased and their personal coping mechanisms.
Common emotions experienced during a loss includes sadness, anger, guilt, disbelief. These emotions can lead to social withdrawal, isolation and conflict due to different grieving styles. I, for one, know I had to step off the world for a while after I lost my son. And I did. I socially withdrew for months.
It was hard. I didn't want to interact with people or not pretend that I was happy. And it was hard for others around me. I got up every day, I function, but I didn't want to go out and enjoy other people. I didn't want anything from me that I couldn't give at the time.
So acknowledging and processing these emotions is crucial to healing and moving forward after a significant loss. So navigating the grief process. As I said, the grief process is unique to each individual and there's no standard timeline for experiencing grief. It's important to recognize that our own grieving process, as well as the process of those around us, may be influenced by personal and cultural factors.
The rollercoaster analogy for the grieving process is an apt description because there are highs and lows with difficult times becoming less intense and shorter as time passes. Confronting and actively handling our grief is a key to achieving true healing.
Now with that said, I just want you to know that I lost my mother at the age of 18, around Christmas time. Actually, she died December 17th, and to this day around Thanksgiving and Christmas time, I have this sadness about me. I had it the whole time I had my children. I hide it very well. I had a psychiatrist tell me one time that I have a highly evolved sense of self that helps me hide my feelings.
I've got the Robin Williams type of approach to things where I don't let the world see what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling, but I know that it's there and every year it just happens naturally with me. So I'm not sobbing or crying, but there's an overwhelming sadness that comes to me every year around the holidays.
And my son died in September, so now it's like the fall, is in the winter. The winter months through December and January are just challenging for me. I know it, I understand it, and I take time to work on making myself honor them instead of grieve and miss them. Understanding that there are different grieving styles can help us respect and honor our own grieving process, as well as provide support to others who may be grieving differently.
Cultural influences on grieving can also play a significant role in how we experience and process bereavement, making it all the more important to educate ourselves on these factors and their impact on the grieving process. Caregiver Relief has created the Afterlife Grief course to help you navigate your feelings of grief and loss. Personal grieving styles.
Each person grieves differently, and it's important to respect and honor one's own grieving style. Intuitive grievers typically cope by exploring and processing feelings while instrumental grievers experience their grief more cognitively and physically.
Cultural influences on grieving. Different cultures have unique customs and rituals, some surrounding grief and bereavement, which can impact the grieving process. These cultural practices can provide solace and comfort during difficult times, but they create challenges for those who try to navigate their own grieving process within a different cultural context.
Recognizing symptoms of grief and bereavement. Grief can manifest in various emotional and physical symptoms, and recognizing these can help in seeking appropriate support and coping strategies. As people experience grief, five stages of bereavement or grief. I. Although not experienced by everyone in the same order and intensity, provide a useful framework for understanding common emotions during the grief process.
You may go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I can tell you right now for me, during the holidays, the fall and winter months, I still go through the depression and acceptance in the grief process of my mother, and my son. So it's important to recognize that these stages are not a linear progression, and that individuals may move back and forth through them as they process their grief.
While grief can be overwhelming and all encompassing, it will eventually become less intense with time. And I can say that that's true. It does become less intense over time. But there still can be a gnawing hole in your heart. Holding your soul that you feel an emptiness at times and the holidays are continue to be or anniversaries like birthdays and other important dates that may have been significant for you with the person that has died are hard. And it may be a day of feeling bad or feeling sad or just feeling like something's missing in your life.
And it is the person that you loved is and cared for is no longer with us. We have to take time to let others know that grief takes as long as it takes, and for some of us it can be a lifetime of grieving in different ways. Emotional common symptoms of grief can range from sadness, to anger, to guilt, to disbelief, to anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression, and thoughts of suicide.
Is crucial to acknowledge and address these emotional symptoms. Seeking professional help if necessary. Doing so can prevent further complications and support the healing process. Again during the grief, the afterlife grief course that we have created you deal with a lot of coping strategies and tips to deal with your grief.
I take grief, even the loss of my pets terribly hard. You love something, you love them hard, and when they're a part of your life, you miss them.
Grief can also cause physical symptoms such as aches and pains, headaches, chest pains, exhaustion, trouble sleeping, oversensitivity to noise. Difficulty breathing, feeling very tired and weak, a lack of energy, dry mouth, or an increase or decrease in appetite. Recognizing these physical symptoms and seeking appropriate support and self-care measures can help alleviate the impact of grief on our overall wellbeing, including addressing potential physical problems.
Coping with grief and bereavement can be challenging, but there are various ways to ease the process, including seeking professional help, practicing self-care, and connecting with others who are going through similar processes and experiences. And I have to tell you, that is something that I do all the time.
I've connected with those that have lost their mothers at an early age. And if you have, there's a really good book out there called Motherless daughters. And that book explained to me why I have so many weird approaches to life how I feel and it validated my experiences and feelings of not having a mother to support me during childbirth or when I got engaged or married or graduated from nursing school.
It's just nice to have people that understand and support you. I've also spent time with those who have military veterans that have completed suicide as well. The type of coping strategy that works best for an individual will, again, depend on their personal grieving style, cultural background, and the nature of the loss of what they experienced.
For me it was hard for me to express my grief of my mother and the loss of her because, I was only 18. My dad didn't want us to talk about it after my mom died. It was like she was erased from the earth. He remarried very early on after my mom died, and my stepmother just couldn't handle the, at hearing anything about my mom and it caused a rift between us because I'm so much like my mom. So it's really important for you to remember that there's no right or wrong way to grieve, and it's important to be patient with ourselves as others as we navigate the grieving process. That's why I'm I really want to impress upon you that if you have children or grandchildren or even great-grandchildren, talking about death and dying and the loss and grief of a loved one is so important to help them overcome their feelings of loss or even abandonment.
'cause that's a very real feeling. By utilizing a combination of coping strategies and seeking support from friends, family, and professionals, we can find comfort in healing during a difficult time. So when seeking professional health, when do you seek professional help? Professional support such as therapy or counseling can be beneficial in navigating the grieving process.
Through counseling, individuals can receive guidance and resources to help them through work through their emotions. Coping strategies, they can develop coping strategies to deal with their loss, and they can look for support in adjusting to significant changes in their lives. One option for accessing professional help is through free talking therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which is something I have been through and helped me a lot.
Self-care practices. Taking care of one's physical and mental health is crucial during the grieving process. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle through exercise, eating nutritious and healthy meals and getting enough rest can help manage the emotional and physical stress of bereavement. I know for me that exercising, it may just be getting out and walking somewhere for a short period of time.
Even it's just in the mall. If I was living in a cold climate or for me now it's getting on the beach every day and enjoying the environment, the ocean, and hearing the sounds of the ocean and feeling the sand on my feet. Additionally, engaging in activities that bring comfort, such as spending time with loved ones or participating in hobbies and interests can provide a sense of normalcy and solace during a challenging time.
I'm a person who loves to cook and I love to bake, and my mom she did too. She did those things. In fact, I've learned these things from her and my son, he was a guy who loved to eat. So I love, so during the holidays, there's certain things that I make that I give to other people now because it has no significance to them that it does to me.
And it makes me feel good that I'm making some old family traditional things that my son Jeff enjoyed over the years. And I think connecting with others is so important. Reaching out to close friends, family, or support groups can provide valuable emotional support and understanding during the grieving process.
But connecting with those ones those that haven't lost somebody. They don't understand, can really put you in a bad spot. Connect with others who are going through similar experiences or who have been through similar experiences, including a family member can offer a sense of community and validation in knowing that you're not alone in your grief.
I'm going to share an experience with you. This happened, Jeff, my son has been dead 11 years now. His birthday's in July and I'm walking in on the beach two years ago in July. And this young man comes up to me, he's on a bike and he's riding on the beach. And he asked me if I would take a picture of him with the background of the ocean and the Myrtle Beach State Park Pier.
I said, sure. And he says he informs me that he was doing a run or a bike ride, actually not a run for soldiers who have completed suicide even to this day. It takes my breath away.
It was around Jeff's birthday and you're going to have moments like that where you are hit by something and this young man had lost a dear friend of his to suicide who was also a vet. We shared that moment and we shared stories and it just was touching. It was like my son was reaching out to me on the anniversary or his birthday and it was a sign.
We all look for signs, mine is I look for Cardinals, a male cardinal has to be Jeff visiting me, of course. And the female Cardinal is always my mom checking in on me. It gives me comfort, whether it's real or not. It gives me comfort. Support groups can also provide a secure environment to share emotions and stories with others in similar circumstances, as well as education and resources about coping with grief and bereavement.
Helping others through bereavement. When supporting someone who is grieving, it's important to offer emotional support. People always say they don't know what to say. And one of the things I've experienced with both deaths in my life, one when I was very young and the other after I was in my fifties, is people avoid you.
They don't know what to say to you, so they just avoid you, and it's really hard on the person who's grieving. So don't hesitate to say, Hey, I'm checking in on you. You don't have to say anything more than that. You just sit with them, be with them. You can provide practical assistance. Sometimes maybe they just would like to have a meal with somebody.
Always encourage them to prioritize self-care. It is really important for them. And you have to be careful with this one because some people can be very touchy about it, but suggest seeking professional help if needed. If they've lost a person that was on hospice to death, they will have bereavement counseling available to them for, I think it's 12 to 18 months after.
I really strongly suggest that you take advantage of that. By being there for someone who's grieving and really listening to them, you can provide comfort and validation during their grieving process. Most people I know that I've dealt with, and I'm just talking from personal experience, I was in nursing school.
People just avoided me. Like I was, had a plague or something. They just didn't know how to, what to say or how to approach it. Forgive people if they're that way. It's their loss. Just a gentle touch on the shoulder and saying, Hey, I'm thinking about you. What can I do for you? Or sharing a story about the person that they lost that you may have experienced with them is always a really touching and important moment.
It can be a bonding moment. I know I've had those for in several occasions. Now remember, each person's grieving process is unique and what might be helpful to one person may not be helpful to another. Being sensitive to the individual's needs and offering specific practical experience can alleviate some of the stress and burden experienced by the bereaved.
Offering emotional support. Listening and empathazing with the bereaved can provide comfort and validation during their grieving process. Give them the space to talk and express their grief in whatever way they need that can help them process their feelings of healing. I've encouraged people to create bereavement or memory boxes, and in it you may want to put the D V D that they played about their life during a wake if that is what your culture does it could be putting in some special flowers or the funeral sheet or the little card or mass cards that people have given or condolence cards.
It's something of that's tangible, that people, when they're feel grieving and feeling lost, can have something to attach themselves to this concrete and help them work through their feelings of grief and heal. While it's important to be there for the bereaved, it's also crucial to avoid saying things that may cause additional pain or distress, such as it was best for them.
Or you'll get over it in time. Nothing frustrates me more than to hear that, get over it in time. No, I'll never get over the loss of my mother and my son. Life goes on. Yes, but those were two major important people in my life and my heart is half of what it was. And my son had a terrible pain condition, and yes, he completed suicide and they're telling me it was for the best.
It was, he's no longer suffering. Yes, I get that, but it wasn't for the best and I understand his need to take his life. I do. I know that's hard for some of you to understand, but he was in such terrible pain, but I don't want to hear that it was the best for him, that he's out of pain and I don't want to hear that life I need to get over it because I just can't get over it, or it's not that I can't, I won't get over it. Providing practical assistance is so important. The typical me, you want to offer help with daily tasks and responsibilities to alleviate some of the stress and burden experienced by the bereaved.
Examples of practical assistance are cooking for them, cleaning, running errands, providing childcare. Hey, I'm an Irish girl that loves to cook and for every crisis in whatever it is, whether it's a death or a birth or someone's sick, I'm making something and taking it to their house. And I do I offer to help with dishes or help clean or run errands when they don't have the energy to do it.
And if I can provide childcare for somebody when they're dealing with a loss of a loved one, I also try to do that but these specific one offering help because it allows the bereave to decide what type of assistance they need and when they need it. Encouraging self-care and professional help.
Encouraging the bereave to prioritize their wellbeing and seek professional support can be beneficial in their healing process. Suggest activities that promote self-care and stress relief, such as exercise, relaxation techniques, or spending time with the people they love. They can help the bereaved cope with their loss more effectively.
Again, making a memory box for a bereaved and asking them if that's something they would like to do and maybe they would like to help with that. Making that box is really important because again, it gives them a tangible thing to reach and feel for when they're missing their loved ones.
If the bereaved seems to be struggling with their emotions or daily functioning, gently encourage them to seek professional help, such as counseling or support groups, and they may provide assistance and resources and guidance during their bereavement journey. I can tell you I've worked with many widows and mothers that have lost their sons or daughters.
And I can tell you a lot of them don't want to reach out to a professional. It's not what they want. They're not ready for it but they're okay in a support group dealing with their grief. You can't force anybody to deal with their grief. They have to do it in their own way, in their own time.
Understanding bereavement leave policies and legal matters. These are important that can help alleviate additional stress during the grieving process. Familiarizing oneself with bereavement leave policies can provide clarity and support during a difficult time. Addressing legal matters related to the deceased, such as wills and estate planning can help ensure a smoother transition for the bereaved. And I can tell you it, it's a very challenging time and sometimes if you have the experience or the patients to help them with their paperwork, that means so much to somebody who's grieving.
'cause you just can't concentrate. And sometimes that lasts for a very long time. Understanding bereavement leave. Bereavement leave is a period of time granted to employees following the death of a loved one and typically lasts three to five days. Most times it's just three days. But this leave allows employees to grieve, attend the funeral, and handle other affairs related to the loss.
To access bereavement leave, it's important to contact your employer and understand their specific policy, ensuring you follow the necessary steps to access the leave.
Handling legal affairs. Addressing legal matters related to the deceased, such as probate and legal procedures, inheritance and wills and family disputes is an essential aspect of the bereavement process. Handling these affairs can help ensure the deceased estate is distributed accordingly to their wishes and alleviate potential conflicts among family members.
Being proactive in dealing with legal matters can provide peace of mind and a sense of control during an emotionally challenging time. In conclusion, grief and bereavement are complex and deeply personal experiences that we all must face at some point in our lives. Those that have a family member that they're losing due to a chronic illness or dementia, you may have anticipatory grief where you're already grieving the person that has passed before they pass.
That's okay. That's normal. There are times when the stress of caregiving becomes so overwhelming that it's a relief when their death comes. That doesn't mean you love them less. It doesn't mean that you're glad they're gone. It's just the way it is. You're tired, you're worn out. Understanding the grieving process, recognizing the symptoms of grief and implementing coping strategies can help ease the pain of loss and promote healing by offering support to others, prioritizing self-care and navigating legal matters, we can find solace and strength in the face of life's most challenging moments.
Remember, there's no right or wrong way to grieve, and there's no right or wrong amount of time to grieve, and each person's journey through bereavement and grief is unique, but together we can find comfort, understanding, and hope. Right now, I'm going to answer some frequently asked questions about bereavement
and grief. Are bereavement benefits always paid? Unfortunately, there is no federal requirement for employees to provide paid bereavement leave, so it's up to them whether or not to offer it. Some states do have requirements regarding bereavement leave, though. Does bereavement only mean death?
Bereavement typically refers to a period of grief and mourning after the death of a loved one. Hey, but it can also refer to the emotional pain and loss experienced after other kinds of loss, such as the end of a marriage and divorce, or the loss of a pet. Or the change in a job or a move, the losing the family home. These are all things that cause grief and it grief is a normal process of reacting to any kind of loss. What does your bereavement mean? Bereavement is the experience of grief and mourning following a loss, usually the death of a loved one. It can cause intense sorrow and be emotionally devastating.
You may also experience grief as a mental, physical, social, or emotional reaction at any time. Are there different types of grief? Oh, lord, yes, there are. There are many different kinds of grief, including the anticipatory grief I discussed and disenfranchised grief, and that's a grief that you can't express.
Here's a perfect example of disenfranchised grief of women who have lost, have a miscarriage that's very personal and you've loss of your future, the loss of the potential baby that you were looking forward to. People don't understand that that is real. It's the loss of dreams. It's the loss of a future with that child, and many women experience disenfranchised grief.
All of these can vary depending on the individual and the loss. The types of grief can be difficult to understand and process, but it's important to recognize them and seek help if needed. Grief counseling can also be a helpful tool for those struggling with grief.
How long does the grieving process typically last? As I said before, grieving is a deeply personal experience and there is no set timeline. It can last all as long as you need, and trust me, I still grieve the loss of my mother 50 years later. It's not an intense grief, but it is a sadness and a sorrow that I feel at different times of the year.
And I still grieve the loss of my son after 11 years. So everyone's experience is unique and it's important to take the time to process your emotions and find ways to cope, and it's always important to remember that you don't have to go through everything alone. This has been brought to you by caregiver relief.
I'm Diane Carbo, RN.
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